For the past three years, I have been writing my memoir. It’s actually been more like going to graduate school – learning the craft, practicing, toughening my skin for critique and rejection. Not all a walk in the park.
So why on earth do I do it? Because I have a story only I can tell, a burning desire to tell it and, quite frankly, I can’t help myself.
So I have a few confessions to make:
Confession #1: I spend more time exploring how I present other people than how I present myself.
I angst over ways to AVOID disparaging anyone else, even though the truth may indicate otherwise while still telling the story I need to tell.
A common perception of memoir writers is that we are “narcissistic”… me, me, me. But the truth is, I spend inordinate amounts of time writing, rewriting, analyzing and fretting over how my words will impact another.
Yes, my memoir is about ME but it’s more about the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons I’ve learned over time and the time I lived in. It’s an invitation into my world that hopefully will help you connect with your own world. A story with a message.
Confession #2: When I’m not writing, I’m thinking about writing.
You might think I’m not working when I’m staring out the window but that’s when my creative juices are cranking up. That’s why you’ll see me scribbling on napkins in a restaurant or digging through my purse to retrieve a piece to paper to write down my thoughts. So when I take a walk in the garden, I’m actually “on the clock.”
Confession #3: I can’t help myself. I have to write every day.
If I don’t write every day, I’m up half the night with thoughts, ideas, words swirling in my head, it will not stop until I get up out of bed and put them in their rightful place on the page.
Confession #4: My left brain is as busy as my right brain.
I enjoy mixing it up with outlines, storyboards on one end or freewriting in a journal, and drawing a mandela while listening to soothing music on the other end.
I enjoy learning the rules and knowing what the standard of practice is, but I also enjoy breaking them in my own unique way.
Confession #5: 
I see stories everywhere.
The most mundane circumstances can be rich with story. Just stand in line at a grocery store and observe the dynamics of the people. On a recent vacation to Missouri to visit friends, I ended up doing a blog post about my trip because, everywhere I looked, I saw a story that needed to be told. I was like a roving reporter, notebook in hand jotting down notes and taking pictures. I had a great time. Here’s my post.
Mea Culpa. I am writing a memoir. I can’t help myself. It’s just the way it is. My penance is I’ll just have to learn to live with myself until my memoir is completed and I start on the next one.
Memoir writers, can you relate?
Kathleen Pooler’s Bio:
Kathleen Pooler is a writer and a retired Family Nurse Practitioner who is working on a memoir about how the power of hope through her faith in God has helped her to transform, heal and transcend life’s obstacles and disappointments: divorce, single parenting, loving and letting go of an alcoholic son, cancer and heart failure to live a life of joy and contentment. She believes that hope matters and that we are all strengthened and enlightened when we share our stories.
She blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog: http://krpooler.com and can be found on Twitter @kathypooler and on LinkedIn, Google+, Goodreads and Facebook: Kathleen Pooler
One of her stories “ The Stone on the Shore” is published in the anthology: “The Woman I’ve Become: 37 Women Share Their Journeys From Toxic Relationships to Self-Empowerment” by Pat LaPointe.
This blog post is Copyright Kathleen Pooler 2013. All rights are reserved Internationally. You may not reproduce it in any form, in part of whole, without the author’s prior written permission. That includes usage in forms such as print, audio and digital imaging including pdf, jpg, png etc. A fee may be requested for re-use if it is for a commercial venture.
We all have our own stories to tell and we are the only ones who can tell them. But not everyone feels a need to write a memoir, which by the way is not an autobiography. A memoir is a slice of your life told as a story.
Hi Debbie, thanks for your visit and comment. Just to clarify, as there are a lot of interpretational differences between the words memoir, autobiography and life story; formally an autobiography does go through your life as a whole whilst memoir is a selected segment running along a particular theme. It has been traditionally used by rock stars, television personalities and other high profile people so they can say what they like about their careers without the hassle of having to delve publicly into their private lives.
However, you can also write your autobiography thematically rather than chronologically. Is is very much, to each their own. There are as many individual ways of writing memoir / autobiography as there are writers: and that is the way it should be. As you said, we are the only ones who can tell our story.
Good luck on your own creative journey.
Hi Kathy. I enjoyed your post very much and I can echo many of the comments which have already been made. I can very much relate to Cyd’s comment that “writing isn’t something we do, it’s who we are”. Writing is a very good example of the Being > Doing > Having aspects of living. Most non-writers would tend to think of writing as simply “Doing” but of course it is the art of expressing our world of thoughts and feelings that brew from deep within our “Being”. So, unquestionably writing starts with “Being”… it’s WHO I am. As a result, I am always compelled to take paper and pen with me wherever I go, since I never now when something that has been stewing in my subconscious for days, will present itself demanding to be written. I am sure all my cryptic notes I leave all over the house annoys my wife, but she too is a writer (albeit more organized) so she seems to tolerate it quite well. – right Cate?
I don’t get annoyed: I just “file” them for safe storage I am yet to get to the point where I file them with a match.
Well, there you go , Ted. You’ve been forewarned!
LOLTed!. We writers just can’t help ourselves, can we? I had to chuckle thinking of my own husband who has struggled to adjust to my writing persona:”Oh there she goes up into the blogasphere.” He’s doing really well now but it was a steep learning curve initially. I imagine being married to a writer as you are helps to a degree. Then again, it may present its own set of challenges as you each have your own ways of doing things. This could make for a lively discussion!
I think your confessions are all occasions for celebration, Kathy. You are describing a person with a passion, a calling, a purpose in life. I salute you and Cate also for an excellent reminder of the why behind what we do. Augustine started all this memoir writing stuff. And what did he name his book? Why Confessions, of course.
Sorry to be so late to the party. But thanks for a good read.
Thank you Shirley. Thank you for visiting.
Thanks Shirley for reminding us of St Augustine and how he started it all. If we’re honest about our shortcomings, we can free ourselves to find our voices and get on with this “memoir stuff.” I appreciate your perspective, as always
Oh my, Kath, this sounds just like me especially the part about starring off into space and writing in the middle of the night. Now wonder we became soulmates even though we live 4000 miles apart! Thanks Kath and Cate. Great stuff!
Indeed, Pat. Isn’t it wonderful that we understand each other no matter how many miles separate us? So happy we are soul sisters.:-) Thanks so much for stopping by. It’s great to see you in so many places. Happy writing!
Hi Kathy,
As a journalist where reporting people’s lives, their experiences, their commonality, etc. was the reason why thousands bought the newspaper every day, I make no apologies as a memoir writer. Truth is always stranger than fiction, and infinitely more entertaining, tragic, touching and real! It takes great courage, insight, skill and perseverance to write the “truth of one’s story.” Keep encouraging, supporting and validating other writers of memoir in this journey of reporting and enlightening.
Susan, what you’ve said is a reminder all memoir writers need. One of the hard parts of writing anything personal is that family dynamics, insecurities and writing peer group pressures can find their way onto your pages too easily and hold you back. Be need to be wise, but we also need the courage to carve our own way.
Our city libraries have well visited and well stocked biography and autobiography section. The more we are reduced to numbers, the more we need the human touch!
Thank you for visiting and commenting. Best wishes with your creative journey.
That’s such a good point, Cate, about navigating around all the critics, real and imagined who show up when we try to tell our stories as we remember them.
They come through and are the probable cause of most cases of writers block, which is probably better termed cold blooded fear! The issue with memoir is also routed in the fact that if your, for example only, mother dominated you, you may find it very hard to be open in writing about your relationship with her: or find it very hard to write about anything you’re concerned she may read.
Writing does take bravery. It can be a critical aspect of healing where you choose to stand on your own two feet, accept your voice and tell the world what you need to say without letting those controllers get the better of you.
Susan, I appreciate your comments about speaking our truth, which in many cases is stranger than fiction You show us how to do it in your two very honest and gripping memoirs. It reminds me of the saying ” no tears in the writer, no tears in the reader.” To be able to transport the reader into your emotional experience , as you do so effectively,takes both courage and skill. Memoir writing is definitely not for sissies! Thanks so much for stopping by.
What a delightful title, Kathy. I also struggled with how I was presenting other people, especially my husband, so here’s my confession: my writing was a lot more honest on days when I was angry at him. Another confession: when I started writing fiction and nonfiction, I started dreaming in words instead of images…well, not all the time, but it happens a lot.
A great post – thanks Kathy and Cate.
Belinda.
Thank you for dropping by and for your kind words Belinda. Keep on writing with boldness. It will take you to fulfilling and amazing places.
I love that, Belinda, ” my writing was much better on the days you were angry” with your husband! How true that when our feelings are intense, they spill more freely on the pages. That’s where keeping a journal handy helps. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your confession. It’s always nice to be in the company of people who truly understand the experience. I appreciate your comments and am happy you enjoyed the post.
Hi, my name is Sherrey Meyer and I’m a memoir writer. Does that answer your question posed to memoir writers, Kathy? Yes, we are often left feeling as if we need help controlling our desire to write, write, write. But it’s not we who are narcissistic; it’s those other folks who haven’t found the courage to write or tell their stories. Therein lies the reason for their lack of understanding our overwhelming need to write! Love your post, love you!
Hi Sherrey!
My name is Cate and I am a memoir writer too.
I love this group! xo
Yes, Sherrey, We are all in this together. I’m so happy to see you again. I was just thinking about
how much I have missed you. I hope your time has been restful and restorative. I agree with your point that anyone who tackles memoir has to have the courage and persistence to follow through on telling their truth to the best of their ability. So glad you “loved” the post. Love you , too! I appreciate you stopping by and adding your perspective. Take care and hope to “see” you soon.
OMG. That is exactly my list. We writers don’t only write on paper. Thanks for the great post, Kathy.
That’s so true, Madeline. We write on anything we can get our hands on. Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m happy you enjoyed the post and love having company with these confessions!
Hi Madeline, I have notebooks stashed in the car, in my handbag and I cannot exist now without my iPad which lets me get ideas down in the dark. I am either a word hoarder or a I have a paper hoarding issue. Both are fine with me. Thank you for visiting and commenting.
Excellent post, Kathy. I SO identify with all of your points, especially #2 and #3. Bless you as you perfect your rough draft and take the next big steps! Yes, you have a story only you can tell, and so many of us are eager to read it.
Blessings, dear friend,
Linda
My Dear Linda, It is wonderful to connect with you in so many different places. Thank you so much for your kind words and your ongoing support and cheers. They are greatly appreciated. It really does “take a village to write a memoir” and I am very grateful we are in the same village. I’m happy you enjoyed my confessions. It’s nice to know I’m not alone!
Blessings,
Kathy
Hi Kathy. Yes, absolutely. I relate heart and soul with this post, and it’s good to see you coming clean
My contention is that writing isn’t something we do, it’s who we are, and that keeps happening around the clock. When you give yourself over to who and what you are, it isn’t work, it isn’t a struggle (effective communication is, but that’s a different story), and that clock disappears – you float with life, your unique and precious life. You see stories everywhere you turn, the mind never shuts down on interpreting those stories (such sweet churnings of the mind), and the Self melts away.
Memoir may seem built on Me! Me! Me!, but that is an illusion. Neuroscience tells us we have no personal memories before the age of 10. I think it extends even longer. In our brains are mirror neurons that reflect the other in ourselves, and it is only through ourselves that we can see and understand others. Memoir is the me-me-me memory of others and our participation in their stories. It’s not about me, it’s about life experienced through one individual, and if s/he is dedicated enough to their memories and observations, they hit the pay dirt of the universal, timeless lessons and messages and paths that are retold over and over again as they are best received during the age in which they’re needed.
Keep working it, lady. You’re an inspiration.
Beautifully said Cyd.
I agree, Cate. And thank you so much for the opportunity to be your guest.
My pleasure Kathy, I am always delighted to have you. Your insights are invaluable.
Kathy it is always such a pleasure to have you. I’ll be sending you a BIG virtual bunch of flowers. Thank you for inspiring us.
Wow, Cyd. Thank you for your amazing insights into the world of memoir. I’ve grown accustom to your ability to capture the essence of a topic through your rich and edgy writing:” it’s not about me, it’s about life experienced through one individual, and if s/he is dedicated enough to their memories and observations, they hit the pay dirt of the universal…” Bingo! Thanks so much for stopping by and offering your perspective, which is always enlightening and entertaining!
Kathy, you write for all of us. What life writer/memoirist doesn’t agonize over what we say about others, how we present them and how our words will affect them?
Cyd, I must add that I take issue with those neuroscientists who claim we have no personal memories before ten. I wrote an entire memoir about my preschool years without consulting a soul first. My father verified that it was all true and squared with what he remembered of the times, the place, and me. My earliest memories begin before age 3. I don’t claim total recall or accuracy though, just poignant, personal, processed memories.
Cate, thanks for hosting Cathy, and for your super blog and awards.
Thank you Sharon!
I get so much joy from this blog.
I agree with you about the Neuroscientists, I can remember back much, much further than ten.
Cheers and best of luck with your memoir writing.
Thanks, Sharon. It’s so nice to see you here. I guess agonizing over what we say is all part of it. Interesting, my 90 year old mother made a comment to me just today over the phone in response to my telling her about wrapping up my revisions: ” well everyone in Corning ( my home town) is going to know all the dirt about you” I think she’s actually a little nervous about me telling my story. The closer I get to finishing, the more I’m feeling this kind of pressure. It comes with the territory as the saying goes. Onward! Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Your mother has voiced a common fear Kathy. It’s not just the writer who worries about the ramifications of stories being told; families can also worry about how they will be perceived and judged as a result… Ie. William Yang to the rescue.